Phantom
by Kelsey Pearl
Summary: Post Loss and Ghost. A/O Angst.


Olivia Benson made a promise never to turn to the bottle for her troubles. She would not turn out like her mother, who came home drunk almost every night, with harsh words or flying fists.

She made a promise, but sat on her couch, bottles strewn across the room. Her eyes red from tears, and hazy from the alcohol, she felt sick to her stomach for more than one reason. She was a drunken mess, and knew it, but refused to put down the beer in her hand. She had broken her promise, the broken glass around the room and just fallen silence proof of that.

But most of all, it made her sick that she might never see Alex again.

The beautiful blonde woman who had captured her heart, the minute she had met her. The woman she wanted to ravish after their first heated argument over a warrant. The woman who had become her life line Alexandra Cabot, the love of her life.

She asked her to drop that case, but the woman had refused with her signature smirk, confident in her abilities. Yet, she had been taken down by a bullet.

One Olivia had failed to intercept. She had been forced to stanch the bleeding with her hands, pressing and mumbling things to the woman who was gorgeous even when bleeding out underneath her. Her blue eyes had been clouded over with pain, but she had managed to choke out the Detective's name.

Then, she was gone. Olivia was scared, so very scared, until her partner and her were called out. Called out to see the very much alive woman, arm in a sling, a sad smile on her face. She did not apologize, just explained with brimming tears. Olivia wanted to touch her, kiss her so bad right then, but refrained. Alex wouldn't feel the same.

She could still feel the warm blood and cold eyes on her. She could smell the fear, taste the sweat, hear the words. She clutched her head, another empty bottle thrust at the wall.

Elliot walked in then, seeing her on the couch. He knew why. He always knew why with his best friend, his Liv. He just stood there as she grabbed another beer, popping open the top and chugging. He had planned to get her started on the next case, but realized he wasn't ready.

She did not notice his entrance, her arms wrapped around her knees as she whispered things, secret things that she meant for no one to hear.

"Alex...Alex...I love you." She spoke between sips, her breathing ragged. She was drunk beyond reason now, her mind only on the blonde attorney. "Come back Stop bleeding. Please, stop bleeding!" She clutched her head, and her partner took swift action. He took three long strides before grabbing her arms. She struggled pitifully.

"Get off me, El! I said get off!" He held a firm grip and she tried to wriggle free, only to give up, the bottle slipping form her hands. Beer sloshed over her pants as she bowed her head in defeat.

"She's gone now, Olivia. She is gone now. You have to get ready. You have to get ready for her funeral tomorrow, okay?" His words were soft, soothing, and she calmed, though her heart still beat erratically.

"Why? Why her? I should have been quicker!" She protested, staring at her clenched fists.

"She doesn't blame you."

"I know." He let her go, arms falling limply to her sides. She sat there in silence, observing the mess through the fog that shrouded her mind. "I should have died though. I wish I had died, and not her."

"I know." He loved her dearly, more so than anyone else. She was his number one, no matter what. And even if she loved the prim and proper ADA, he'd support her.

She felt her heart slow almost to a stop. She had to move on. No matter how much it hurt.

AOAOAOAO

Alex found herself living alone in a small apartment, with a new identity. Her arm has healed, though a nasty scar remained as a reminder.

Somehow, her thoughts always wandered to the brown haired Detective. Olivia had stolen her heart after the first time she saw her on a serious case.

The poor little girl was so traumatized, and Liv's expression mirrored exactly. And when she caught the perp, her eyes burning with anger and hatred and power, Alex realized how amazing the woman was.

She can still see her through darkened eyes sometimes, yelling her name and letting a few tears fall. It had made her angry at herself for causing her pain. It was agony to leave in that car after seeing Olivia's hurt and shocked face.

But she did, because it was what was expected. She had to do it to protect her friends and co-workers. Her happiness paled in comparison to their lives.

At least, that is what she wanted to believe. But Olivia's voice, deep and velvety and smooth, gliding through her dreams like a ghost, always made her see the truth in things.

She would have rather died than suffer the parting.

AOAOAOAO 

Olivia felt her heart repair itself at the sight of the blonde ADA standing in the doorway, smiling. She looked the same, her blue eyes shining with determination and humor.

"Alex!" That was the only word that came to mind. She had just smiled wider, and brushed past her slightly, talking about the case. Olivia felt her face fall. She was definitely the same Alexandra Cabot she remembered. The Ice Queen.

Then, she relieved Elliot to watch Alex. She felt her heart break again when she spoke of her boyfriend back in Wisconsin. She felt like asking a million questions. _"Does he love you in the way I do? Does he cherish your every breath, smile, laugh? Do you feel the same way about him?" _

Instead, she handed her a case file, trying not to cry. Alex needed it. She would give her what she needed. And when she fell asleep an hour later, she was unaware that Alex was watching her. Watching as she relived the horrible nightmare again.

The dream ran through her mind again. Her bleeding, Olivia screaming. But the ending wad different, twisted. Alex spoke harshly to her. _I don't love you, Liv. Juts forget I ever existed._

Her words were loud in clear in her sleep, filled with pain, and terror, and compassion. "Alex...please...I...love...you."

She jolted awake, her eyes closed. She did not remember where she was, her fist over her eyes. She felt the tears coming on, but refused to let them fall. She chanted to herself. "Alex would be strong. Alex wouldn't cry. Alex would be strong." It calmed her down, and when she opened her eyes, she saw the woman sleeping on the bed in the room peacefully.

Little did she know that Alex was wide awake, running over the thoughts in her head.

AOAOAOAO

Alex couldn't say goodbye in person. She would end up staying, falling into Olivia's arms sobbing. She knew that the Detective was stronger in spirit than her.

She she sent him to give her goodbyes as she relocated again, another name, another identity. But Olivia stayed on her mind. _Was her dream real? Did she really feel that way?_

Alex would never know. Even if she desperately wanted to.

Because inside, she was still bleeding, still healing.

Even though she knew she'd never be fully repaired again.

AOAOAOAO

_**A/N: Yes! Done! This is post- Lost and Ghost. I have never written for these two lovely ladies before, so tell me how I did please!**_

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_**Click it.**_


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